What gives me gas

Posted by ANonCalifornianBeing on April 22, 2003

In Reply to: What gives me power posted by A Thinking Being on April 22, 2003

Tofu. Feng shui. Navel-gazing. Waving crystals around, in a bizarre attempt to realign and balance one's inner chi. Men trying to get in touch with their alleged "inner woman", so much so that they feel guilty that they can't muster a tear at the end of the movie "The Titanic" or get a uterus implant. Women trying to get in touch with their "inner man", failing when they realise after months that irrational naked aggression and overly large shoulder-pads in their sharply tailored jackets just doesn't cut it, and instead retreating into buying multiple copiers of "Divine Secrets Of The Yo-Yo Sisterhood". Acupuncture. Colonic irrigation. People who get upset when they realise that being invited to go out clubbing in Greenland doesn't mean that you need to get your dancing shoes on, but instead means that you need a parka, a baseball bat and a keen eye for baby seals.

Given that this thread has already irretrievably lapsed into the irrelevant and the mawkish, I also would like to append the piece of verse that I find the most uplifting.

Dialogue Break - The Asshole Song - Dennis Leary.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible... hot pink... with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, YEAH! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting one mile per gallon, suckin' down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-bio-degradable Styrofoam containers. And when I'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth on the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why. Two words, Nuclear f****** Weapons, OKAAAY? Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won't make a lick of difference, because we got the bombs, OKAAAY? John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke, and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 15 million times and that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes and Lee Marvin and Sam Peckinpah and a case of whisky and drive down to Texas and... aaaah why dontcha just shut up and sing this song, pal? I'm an asshooooooleeeee eee-yooo-eee-yooo.